New Year Resolutions: Why Do We Not Want to Feel Better?

Do you ever wonder why people don't want to feel better? If you ask that person, they will say they are doing everything they can to feel better. They may even get mad at you for implying that they aren't wanting to feel better. We are after all, creatures of habit. And unfortunately those habits are part of our ability to heal ourselves or not. We get used to a certain way of being and then we don't want to, or can't, move past that way of being to feel better. Sometimes, believe it or not, we don't want to feel better. Sometimes, we are afraid of feeling better because in feeling better we will have to do something differently and we will no longer have an excuse for not doing what we have feared we need to do. Sounds complicated and very calculating I know, but think about it for a moment. Have you ever tried to help someone feel better and they find ways to sabotage you at every turn. And then at the end they say, see I told you I couldn't feel better. Ah, the exasperation of it all! The lesson in this is, don't push your own agenda onto someone else. When you try and take over someone else's life and they are not consenting, then you will fail every time. It may take a while, but they will find a way to get back there if they want to badly enough.
I hear you saying, but Mitzi what about our addicted family and friends, shouldn't we intervene? I am asking you, what happens when we intervene and they are not ready to change? They will fight you, or they will go with the program and then fall back into old behaviors. But we have to do something don't we? Sure, do something, but know that ultimately it is up to the individual to make the choice to change. And if they do not, then they will not, but maybe the next time they will. We have to let go of our attachment to the end result. It's the old addage of, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink. Lead, be an example, but their journey is ultimately their own and who are we to try to walk their journey for them.

Now we can walk people's journeys with them. I am all for helping someone who is not able to do it on their own and who has made the decision to change to make that change. That is what I do. Celebrating their successes with them and helping them see the change they have made no matter how small. Support is a significant part of change for a human being. We need to see that we have made progress and sometimes when we are in the mist of change we cannot see that subtle change so easily.

In the quest to feel better we need to be honest with ourselves. As this new year is upon us, we make our resolutions and we are going to make this the best year ever. That is awesome! Evey thing starts out with a thought. You want to change. At this point you may not know how to change, but you have the desire to change. Desire is a strong motivator. It is amazing once the desire comes to you how ways and means to fulfill your desire also come. It make take a while. If you are not used to looking and being open to your desire then you may not see what is right in front of you. Start paying attention. To your television, to what you see on the internet, to what your friends are saying. If you start becoming a observer and start watching what is going on around you, then you will start to see the answers that you seek.

People have said to me, I wish I had your insight. I tell them that it is a developed skill. I have worked for many years to get still, through meditation, and to listen. It is not always an easy task. I don't always do it in my private life and when I don't things don't go as well. I am much more insightful about other people because I do the work to center myself and listen when I am working with them.

Insight, intuition comes differently for different people. It matters whether you are visual (clairvoyant-clear seeing), auditory (clariaudience-clear hearing/listening), or kinetic (clarisentience-clear feeling/touching) in the way that you process information. I am visual and I just have a knowing about things. That would be called claircognizance.

We all have one or more of these abilities. If you truly believe we are mind, body, and spirit then you may recognize that every human being have gifts and abilities that they came into this world with and probably don't use. Think about it in your own life. You have a unique ability. If you don't know what it is, ask your friends or family, they probably know. It just may not be as pronounced as others because you haven't recognized it and cultivated it yet. So take a moment, right now and think about your gifts and abilities. For those of us with children, don't you always know when your children are up to something? That is a learned intuitive ability that we have cultivated so that we can keep our children safe. I haven't met a parent yet who doesn't have it if they think about it. What about your ability to recognize when something doesn't feel right? We call that using our gut or a gut reaction, but it is an intuitive skill that hopefully we don't ignore.

This is the same ability that makes us know that we need to change. The problem is, we tend to ignore all the intuitive signs that tell us it's time because of the blocks that we put in our way. We have a thousand excuses about why we cannot change, but the reason why we must is because that is what we were built to do. We have a prime directive here to learn, grow, evolve and become more than what we were before. When we resist that desire to move forward, we feel dis-ease, dis-contentment, and just plain bad. Have you ever been sick and just for a moment you saw it as an opportunity to just lay there and not be responsible for anything or anybody because you were sick? You had an excuse as to why you are not doing what you know you should do. Well, that can translate into behaviors that keep us on a daily basis from not doing what we know we need to do. And so we make resolutions we know we are not going to keep and then spend the rest of the time figuring out how to get out of them. We don't do this consciously. We really do, deep down, want to change we just stop ourselves from doing it until we are ready. But if we stop ourselves for too long we end up doing damage to our lives, our psyches, our bodies, and the people around us. Then we really do have some work to do to undo what we have done so that we can get back on our path.

So, the next time you make a resolution, think about why you don't want to do it and be honest. Then tackle the negatives one step at a time. For example, if you want to lose weight think about why you haven't done it up to this point. Was it because you really felt it was too much of an effort in the past to change the way you eat or the way you exercise? Was it because food is a comfort to you and you didn't want to give it up? Or was it because you would have to take responsibility for your life and you could no longer deny that you were aware there was a problem. Sounds a little harsh, but remember, if you can't be honest with yourself, then your plan to change will backfire.

Now that you have some insight into why you didn't want to change in the past, you can move forward with what you are realistically willing to do. And don't say anything, because that isn't true. You have some deal breakers that will stop you in your tracks if you are not aware of them. So, be realistic. Really say what you are willing to do. For example, you are willing to park your car further away so that you have to walk to your building. Or, you are willing to add something healthy to your normal diet every week. I am not a nutritionist, but I do know that when you make drastic dietary changes, except in the case of health emergencies, you are less likely to follow through for very long. Unless that is the decision you have made. For the majority of people, that is the thing that keeps them for changing. They feel giving up their favorite comfort foods is like giving up a part of themselves. It is a true attachment that has to be acknowledged. We truly love our food. You have to reconcile your relationship to your favorite foods and be realistic about wanting to get rid of them or modify them. So you make a gradual change in your behavior. It will take longer, but it will last longer. Then you use that wonderful intuition of yours to listen to your body when it tells you what it needs. Finally, find a way to exercise that works for you. For example, walking is something you are already doing so do more of it.

Before ending this article, I wanted to insert a note about why you may not want to feel better. It is important to check to make sure that you are not suffering from something that may keep you in a mindset of not wanting to feel better. For example, you may be suffering from anxiety or depression. I have encountered people who didn't even know they were anxious, yet exhibit all kinds of anxious behavior. The worst are those who suffer from depression and aren't aware of it. They may be those people who are low energy or lack motivation. They may have been depressed all their lives and no matter what they do to try to motivate themselves, they just can't seem to get there. It's important to check that out along with any other physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual imbalances you may be experiencing. However, don't make it an excuse for not changing!

Lastly, celebrate the little victories you have already achieved hourly, daily, weekly, monthly. It's important to acknowledge that you are at least making an effort to move forward in your life. Know that it is always about the journey, not the end result.

And as always, if you need help along the way, give me a call. I can help you find your intuition and become more internally focused. Check out my group meditation classes now offered on Saturdays at 11AM to help you with this process.

Happy New Year to the new (more insightful) you!

Mitzi

Dealing with Holiday Stress and Grief

The holidays are supposed to be a happy time of the year. We have time off, we get to see our families, our kids are excited about this magical time of the year, etc. But for many people the holidays only mean stress, anxiety, and grief. If you have lost a loved one, you may be experiencing this grief already. I call it holiday grief. It is most prevalent if you have lost someone in the past year, but it can stay with us year after year after year. We don't realize what an impact it makes on our ability to be happy when we are still holding on to grief. So here are some ways you can manage your grief, or if you are not grieving, managing your stress during the holidays.

First of all, acknowledge that you are grieving. No one can tell you how long you are allowed to grieve. However, when grief impedes your ability to function in the present, then it needs to be addressed. When you are experiencing depression, anxiety, anger, (all the things that go along with grief, but are so intense they block out any other feelings), then they probably need to be dealt with appropriately. Grief affects people in different ways and that is mostly due to our belief system. If you believe that there is a place where that person has gone that is good, comforting, and freeing, then you will probably handle your grief in a more positive way. But if you either have no beliefs about what happens when we die, or your beliefs are negative in some way, then you might be feeling some emotions that really impact your own life. You may be feeling guilt over being the one that survived, or you may feel that you did not get to say all the things you would have liked to say to that person, or because you don't have a belief about where they are, you may be feeling lost or afraid for them. I have said before that belief is a powerful thing and the absence of belief is still a belief. So, you may want to explore what you believe and if your beliefs don't work for you, you may want to explore what other people believe.

If you do have a belief system that is positive and hopeful for a place where there is peace, connectedness to (i.e. God, Source, Goddess, universal presence, Buddha) then there is a certain comfort that can be taken from that belief that will serve you during the holidays. Celebrating the life of the person that is no longer here may be a way to make the holidays feel more pleasant and inviting for everyone. Our society has a lot of social conventions around grieving and rules about how one should act when they grieve. You have to decide if that is what you want to do and if that feels right for you. Doing something that feels positive for you, but may cause some confusion for family or friends may be just the thing you need to help you feel better during the holidays. In the end, no one can tell you how to grieve! As long as you are not hurting yourself or anyone (or anything) else, you create the ritual, mind-set, belief that works for you.

Dealing with holiday rituals. Do you find yourself doing the same thing for the holidays every year and hating it? You really have to ask yourself why you do that and what would be the cost if you actually did something that made you happy for the holidays. I can hear you saying, but Mitzi, that is so selfish, what will the family think? If you are worried about family repercussions, feeling selfish, or ruining someone elses holiday then you are probably not having a happy holiday anyway and maybe it's time to help everyone be happy for the holidays by changing the way it's done. Sometimes the only way to manage holiday stress is to create a new holiday tradition. It may cause stress in the beginning with family and friends, but the potential joy for everyone, especially your immediate family could be immeasurable. Many people have found that the ability to create a new tradition with the people they truly love has changed the way the holidays feel for them. If people get upset, they were probably going to get upset anyway. We have to learn that we cannot please everyone, and we are not responsible for everyone elses thoughts and feelings. When we try to care take other people we invariably end up losing ourselves in the process. This brings us feelings of resentment, stress, and makes the holidays miserable. That old saying about don't keep doing the same thing and expect different results would definitely apply to this situation.

Creating new holiday rituals. If you have children, sit them down and talk to them about what they would like to do for the holidays. The greatest gift is to see the magic and wonder of the holidays through the eyes of a child. It may even get you back into the holiday spirit if you will take a moment and share that magic with them. If you are experiencing the holidays on your own, find something you enjoy doing and plan to do it during the holidays. Changing the way you think and feel about how the holidays are supposed to be celebrated will go a long way in helping you create a holiday that works for you. Stop trying to make the old ways work and find a new way. Maybe this holiday you go and help out at a homeless shelter. Maybe you can make a ritual of seeing the newest movie on the holiday. Maybe you drive to some place beautiful and take in a new environment. I could go on and on and on. You just have to give yourself permission to do things differently this year. And remember, you are no good to anyone if you are unhappy. It is better to say hey, I'm not coming over this year because I've decided to do something else, then to sit there and endure the holidays with friends or family. Believe me, people know when you are unhappy!

Finally, remember the "reason for the season". It is a time of thanksgiving. Being grateful for at least being here and breathing everyday. It is a time of renewal, anticipation of what is to come. It is a time to believe in something greater than yourself. Realizing that, if you believe it is so, you are not alone.

Have an amazing holiday season!

Much love and grace to you,

Mitzi
www.mitziwood.com